After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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