I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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