I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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