I am puke
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize