Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
