Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
