Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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