Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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