dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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