We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
