Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
