swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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