For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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