I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
