I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
