Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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