fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
