from now on my penis is your penis
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
