my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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