If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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