So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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