I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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