TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
