im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
