God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
