I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
