i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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