Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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