I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
