He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Randomize
