He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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