You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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