I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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