I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
