My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
we should paint friendship bongs
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
