i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
