Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
