I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
