Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
