Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
