I feel like abortions should bother me more
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
