I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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