Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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