So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize