So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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