Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
