Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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