just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
