The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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