My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
