I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
