I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
