We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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