Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
