How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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