i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
