And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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