How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
