A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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