Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
