If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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