I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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