Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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