hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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