if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
