Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
