pop tarts are not kleenex
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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