the condom got lost in my hair
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
