i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize