I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
