So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
